Barack Obama Releases Statement on Samolian Pirates
Barack Obama has released a press statement concerning the end to the U.S. and Somalian pirate standoff.
Washington– The man-made disaster the U.S. shared with the
Somalian pirates has come to an end. Captain Richard Phillips, who may
or may not have been allegedly in the boat with four pirates against
his will as the result of the man-made disaster, has been rescued by
the U.S. Navy. Captain Phillips was able to separate himself from the
man-made disaster by jumping overboard after irrationally not waiting
on my nuanced pondering of the situation. If the Captain had only been
aware of our dialoguing with the Somalian elders for their surrender
and arrest, perhaps he would not have been so anxious to escape. But he
is safe none the less. Unfortunately, three of the Somali pirates were
killed by a nearby Naval vessel as a result of our overseas contingent
protocol of a "reactionary policy" only. The situation is under
investigation as to whether or not Captain Phillips’ jumping overboard
to rescue himself was cause for reaction.
I
want to first make a heartfelt apology for the deaths of the three
Somalians involved in the man-made disaster and overseas contingency
plan. Concerned American citizens can rest assured the the "detained"
Somalian man-made disaster participant will receive the full power of
the U.S. Constitution to preserve his rights as a human being; and he
can also expect the additional rights that we Democrats have afforded
"illegal aliens’ here in the U.S. and to all non-Christian religions.
He has a lot of Hope and ChangeTM on his side now. Hopefully
during the excitement and confusion of the man-made disaster, this
pirate was read his Miranda Rights in English and Somali. The American
public can rest assured, also, that the pirate will immediately receive
his right to habeas corpus as opposed to the other administration that
I will not name. Not to mention that Homeland Security Secretary Janet
Napolitano may have a little surprise in the way of some stimulus money
for the poor chap if he gets to U.S. soil.