Obama to Merge Cash-for-Clunkers and Medicare

It is every American's patriotic duty, if they are over the age of 65, an active exploiter of Medicare or any other government services, and not contributing retribution, to plan for their departure from American society. If you are over 65, a burden, you should feel duty bound. Now which of you folks here feels patriotic, raise your hand--Barack Obama

Obama articulated the above statement during his speech at a conference on aging and health care for the elderly at a retirement community in Sun City, Arizona. The statement came at the end of the speech, when TOTUS (teleprompter of the United States) became incapacitated at the most inopportune juncture-- Obama's denouement. This left Obama with one treacherous option: live, unscripted, and at the mercy of his incontinent ad libitum prowess.

The ensuing melee was most disorienting. As the Secret Service charged into action to dislodge Obama from the rabid horde of geriatrics who had worked themselves into a mob frenzy-- who were very well dressed, incidentally-- casualties resulted. Two agents were treated for contusions of and around the head inflicted by cane wielding pensioners, one broken toe, and a barked shin, most likely the result of a formidable octogenarian savage in a wheelchair.

No one, and I emphasize resolutely, no one is more nervous when Obama goes unscripted than White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs. Gibbs, Obama's personal Shaman for misspeak, and consequently the hardest working person in America, was fleet of feet to quell the aftermath of Obama's misspoken words: "what Obama meant to say, or what he really said was, but you just did not understand because of his superior intellect, is that the health care of seniors is his top priority. How you could interpret what he said any other way, unless you heard it from Rush Limbaugh, is disheartening to your president."

Within a week of this brouhaha, my friends, I have been burdened with information of the utmost importance and of the most portentous nature. I have been entrusted with information that has been searing a hole in my conscience, indistinguishable from the red-hot intensity created by your tax dollars burning a hole in the pockets of Barack Obama. This trust I must breech, as it seems that if this information is not broadcast, it is highly unlikely I will ever ascend to the age of enjoying half price movies, dinner at 4:30, or brandishing a cavalier disposition regarding my continuously flashing left blinker.

According to my prominently situated source, Barack Obama, while laying out his plans for the "cash for clunkers" complot, proposed the following: remove old, worn-out automobiles from society in favor of a new and younger set of green automobiles. In suggesting that we remove perfectly serviceable automobiles from society that are consuming more than their share of available resources, Obama must have intuitively known that there were manifold applications for his blueprint. Both old and the not so old automobiles must be destroyed, if deemed parasitic. The bounty for relinquishing the most parasitic of automobiles will be $3500-$4500, subsidized by you, of course. The program was a raging success, depleting its endowment of one billion dollars in a week's time, while simultaneously stimulating the sales of foreign automobiles over domestic automobiles at a 4 to1 pace. Chris Dodd, D-Connecticut, was left in a state of incredulousness at the rapid depletion of tax dollars from the top one percent in the cash-for-clunkers program, stating "Jesus Christ, how the hell did they run through one billion dollars in a week? It is inconceivable. One billion dollars should last, at the very least, 10 days."

After perusing, studying, and cogitating another remarkable, thoughtful, and glorious vehicle for relocating hard earned assets from the top five percent to the receptive ninety five percent, Obama was suddenly percussed with an epiphany: the parallels between his cash-for-clunkers program and his unfeigned remedy and disdain for this nation's miserably broken health care system were incongruously interchangeable.

Obama and Rahm Emanuel, after aggregating their collective intellect, then analyzing, auditing, and pondering, arrived at the conclusion that seniors (old folks), are methodically and literally stealing billions of dollars from the federal budget each year just by living, trying to scratch another year out of their woebegone lives at the expense of the healthy. Also concluded in their congress was the indisputable fact that a dangerous drawback of having one of the most advanced health care systems in the world was that people are living too damn long, well past their usefulness, and irritatingly happy to cap it off. Their conclusion: these seniors are a selfish lot who desire to become, God forbid, old and happy. Their antidote was twofold: [1] to address the long term problem of eliminating octogenarians by implementing government run health care, which would, in a few short years, make living to an advanced age archaic, and [2] immediate eradication of seniors from Medicare is of the utmost importance to preserve the tax revenue from the top five percent for the benefit of the other ninety five percent, and endow the government run health care system for the healthy and young.

The urgency for discussing the long-term extermination of the antediluvian under Obama's circuitous route to genocide for the long in tooth would be pointless and, quite frankly, a time consuming exercise in academics at this critical juncture. Let us focus on the more immediate danger to the aged. In House Bill H.R. 3200, Section 1233, the clause, "Advanced Care Planning Consultation, "essentially states that, when over the age of 65, consultation for your options for end of life every five years is a prerequisite for continuing Medicare coverage. This is ominous in and of itself, but as I declared earlier, I have been burdened and enlightened with Obama's plan to amend this clause.

Obama's plan in its totality: by combining cash-for-clunkers and Medicare, Obama can euthanize two birds with one stone. Medicare will be relocated from under the Health and Human Resources umbrella to the permanent confines of the Transportation Department, with Ray LaHood overseeing both transportation and elderly care, a most befitting engagement since LaHood is marshalling the demise of resource wasting automobiles and now can oversee the termination of parasitic grandparents. Ray LaHood will continue policies put into place last week by the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices for the Center for Disease Control and Prevention of leaving seniors over the age of 64 off the list of vaccinatees to be inoculated against the Swine Flu; the elderly and their own antibodies now must fend off the H1N1 blitzkrieg without the aid of inoculatory allies.

Those possessing a weak constitution are hereby advised to take seat and prepare, as the most ominous installment of the amendment is to be unveiled to the seasoned and innocent alike. LaHood has been charged with the portentous vocation of implementing a cash-for-gramps program to operate in tandem with the cash-for-clunkers. Not all is for naught, as there is value for pre-aged family members: vouchers for health care entitlements depending on the plan. The benefiting family can choose one of four options: 1) have the Transportation Department dispose of gramps and receive $8500 in health care vouchers; 2) have gramps consent to move to Canada or England and enjoy all the free health care they can get and start the dying process immediately (guaranteed to extend their life expectancy by at least 5% of pre-Obama years), and receive $12,000 in health care vouchers; 3) turn in gramps with an automobile that averages less than 15 miles per gallon and receive $4500 cash and $10,000 in health care vouchers; 4) turn in a car, but cling to gramps, and when the government's attempt of operating a health care system has beaten them into such an agonizing, anguished, and despicable state, turn them in for $1500, but the offer would expire 45 days after implementation of the draconian ruse of medicinal emancipation.

Under the auspices of compassion, Obama necessitated that LaHood require the end of life counselors be degreed psychologists and ASE certified automobile mechanics to better assist with the transition of losing a loved one and a treasured vehicle simultaneously, as it is Obama's belief that some people become extraordinarily attached to their automobiles.

Obama's government health care plan will also utilize the taxes of the top five percent for the procurement of abortion on demand. As Obama and Rahm bantered in the Oval Office, "an eight pound, six ounce of prevention is worth a billion dollars of cure." Obama opined that resource users are not limited to just the elderly; he and Rahm deliberated the elimination of "retards, cancer patients, and wounded soldiers," and the cost savings that a young, healthy, and Democratic Party voting country could enjoy. In defense of Obama, I must reluctantly declare, this was just jovial bantering between two Bolshevistic comrades, and no plans were solidified to advance beyond blueprint status within the next thirty days.

I beseech you one and all, do not belay the necessity of action because of a faux security buttressed by your youth and your, knock on wood, fortuitous escape of the above cited inflictions and infirmities. Discounting the fact that one day you will be of advanced age, God willing and despite Obama, and dependent on advanced medicine, focus on the immediate future. Once the labyrinthine tentacles of the Obama administration and this Democrat Congress permeate the current health care system, you will rue the day of your apathetic disposition regarding the forthcoming health care apocalypse. Action, and action now, is imperative.

Please affiliate yourself with the ever expanding preponderance of citizenry consisting of the aged, infirmed, afflicted, self reliant, mob mentality, political terrorists, thugs, Nazis, and dapperly dressed, swastika carrying patriots who oppose the degeneracy and descent of the world's most innovative, desirable, and unparalleled health care to the depths of squalor and fallacious existence that the Democrat Congress and Barack Obama enjoy. And hopefully you will be able to live a long and healthy life, and hang on to Grammy and Gramps until their forecasted expiration ages of 80.7 and 75.4 years, respectively.